Last year, three of my friends had terrible experiences involving arrange marriages,
In the first experience, the two parties got engaged, and right before the wedding, the girl told him that she loves somebody else.
In the second experience, as the wedding date approached, the girl ran away with her boyfriend.
In the third experience, the two parties got married, but within a month, my friend found out that she was still in touch with her ex-boyfriend, and probably had an affair. I didn't ask. He filed for a divorce right away.
Such experiences make me wonder, what are the reasons that make people go for an arrange marriage?
On matrimonial sites, what the guys' profiles generally say is the girl should have family values, be educated, pretty, kind, traditional, religious, and so on.
And in the girls' profiles the important stuff mostly is money, be stable, smart, caring, kind, understanding and so forth.
Now this is the broader picture everybody knows, but what goes in the minds of the two people involved:
The truth is both the parties have a list of imaginary expectations in their heads. In my opinion, this is very scary because you are expecting from a stranger. Of course you get to talk to them before actually deciding to marry or not. But the fact is, it takes years to actually know someone for who they really are. Like the famous saying goes, there are three personalities in a man, first, who he thinks he is, second, who he wants you to think he is, and third, who he actually is. And when you meet someone new, people rarely show who they really are, and focus on showing the other two personalities. So when two strangers talk, what they do is they emphasize on impressing each other. Think about it, if you are talking to a girl for the first time, would you actually share your secrets, defeats, insecurities, imperfections, your temper, your drinking or smoking habits or you'd be talking about yourself in a way that would make her think, you're a cool guy!
Basically when you talk to a girl before marriage, unconsciously you impress her which is very similar to the process when you meet a hot girl for the first time, but what you don't realize is, she is going to be your wife, even though you are consciously aware of it.
Here is an overview of some of the bizarre divorce cases:
1) Vikram was so busy with work, that he could not find time to be intimate with his wife as much as she wanted to. Although he wasn't impotent, they filed for divorce in three months.
Now this is one clear example of what I am talking about. You don't talk about how much sex you want, or in ways you would want it with a stranger before getting married.
2) In the second case Ravi, who is a defence personnel, found out after marriage that his wife always wanted to marry a businessman. He immediately filed for divorce.
Again, if she wanted to marry a businessman, why did she marry a guy who would half of the time be posted somewhere else?
In another case, Tejas found out in three months of his marriage, that his wife had a pre-existing affair with a married man. He recalls, "She was always a little secretive, and would never leave her phone unattended."
Now I am not trying to pin the blame on women because in most of the cases, when certain conservative parents of girls find out that she is having an affair they don't approve of, their immediate response to that situation is, "get her married asap." And that is a very dangerous thing.
- First, there is no guarantee she'd be over that guy
- second, there are huge chances that the affair might re-kindle after the marriage
- third, you're ruining both the guys' lives based on your stupid prejudices, or high salary expectations.
Now let's talk about the divorce rates:
Family court officials say the number of divorce applications have doubled and even tripled in major cities over the past 5 years.
More than 11000 cases were filed in Mumbai, which is above 50% increase in the last 4 years.
Kolkata saw around 8000 cases, which is a 350% increase in a decade.
About 2,000 cases were filed in lucknow, and 900 of them were young couples married less than a year.
The advocates and the marriage counsellors have cited certain reasons behind this growing number of divorce rate amongst young couples, such as: jealousy, independence of women, and ego.
That is a very ignorant interpretation to say it's the ego rather than saying, they are not compatible. And it's because the mentality of Indian marriage is founded upon the very idea of compromise. The thing that actually happens is, when you live with someone for a year, you actually find quite a number of things or habits about each other that you cannot tolerate. These things may range from basic hygiene to silly habits to likes and dislikes, sense of humor, choices in movies, music, books, to fashion and lifestyle. Basically marriage isn't about showing each other how cool we are before the wedding. You're making a promise of spending your life together with that person, and to maintain that, you must know everything about their behavioral patterns and habits. Most girls find out that their husbands are jealous of other guys, or they don't approve of the clothes they wear. And most guys get pissed off when their wives when they say, "I wanna do whatever I feel like doing, #my choice"
Well, that's because you married a fucking stranger. You really thought she was going to tell you everything about her past in the two weeks of your conversations?
Now, some people get divorced while there's a huge population of guys and girls who follow the Indian traditional rule of marriage which is, even if the marriage is tedious, monotonous, loveless and boring as hell, you can't leave. People stick to loveless marriages no matter what. And most of the times, it's because they have kids. And I understand that, I am not urging you to leave. I am talking about the root of the problem, because in case you are in a loveless marriage, your entire life becomes sad.
So what do people do when they find themselves in loveless marriages they can't contain anymore? They cheat.
Indian women in apparently arrange marriages flooded the extra-marital affairs website, Ashley Madison within only a few days of its launch in India.
And just to check, I made myself an account on AshleyMadison and received over 10 messages in two days by married women. Of course to reply to those messages, I was required to pay a minimum of 1200 rupees, which made me doubt the authenticity of those profiles.
Here's another story,
When this 60 year old man approached the court seeking a paternity test, he found out that his only daughter, was not his biological child. The test not only devastated the father and the daughter but also lead to the end of the marriage.
According to investigating agencies and the judiciary, Gujarat records more than 250 paternity tests cases annually, and 98% confirm cheating.
I am not saying that men do not cheat. In men's cases, they just don't frequent online dating websites.
So, why should two people marry each other?
The answer is, there is no reason to marry someone other than friendship. Think about it, you're going to spend your entire life with that person, which means after a certain time you'll have to tolerate that person, and who is the single person you've happily tolerated your entire life, it's your friend.
German Philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche said about marriage, When marrying, ask yourself this question: Do you believe that you will be able to converse well with this person into your old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory.
A very basic question. Forget sex. Forget her body. Forget everything, just focus on her personality, and ask yourself honestly, "Do you like her personality? What is it that you like about her personality? What are the things that you dislike in her personality? Are the dislikes more than the likes? Forget her face, forget how beautiful she is. Do you enjoy talking with this person? or do you prefer your friends when you just want to talk?
Why am I asking these questions?
Because if your love or fascination is strictly restricted to her beauty, you have to understand that her beauty will decline as you age. At 35, she will half as pretty as she used to be at 25. So the hotness, for most of its part, will be gone, but you will still be married to her personality.
And the girls who get fascinated by money, maybe the transition from middle class to a rich lifestyle might feel exciting to you at first, but for how long do you think you can prolong that excitement? There will come a time when that transition will become permanent and then you'd be used to being a rich person. And being rich will become just as boring as it is being in any other financial state if you are with a person you don't love.
People get blinded by hotness, by money, not that money is not important, but it shouldn't be the only important thing in the world. And if you're so concerned about hotness, anybody can be hot, hotness has nothing to do with looks, it's all about your presence and your physique. If you are thin or over-weight, exercise, get in the best shape of your life, you will become hot. Looks don't matter because when it comes to sex, our brains still function on a primate level. Women unconsciously respond greatly to guys who are muscular and in great shape. And so does men, we unconsciously focus and respond to the size of breasts or the posterior of the girls. Because they know that people respond to physique more than just looks.
So guys, to sum this up, I only have one thing I would want you to consider:
She might have the greatest pair of.... books in her shelves, but don't be impressed and blinded by those books. The cover might look very interesting to you, but a day will come when you'd be bored of reading the same content again and again. And then you'd be attracted to other books, and you might one day secretly read another book very badly. And if you do that, the whole point of committing to those first books was pointless, and you have wasted years of your life.
Now, none of what I have said is absolute. I would love to learn from you as well. So do subscribe to this channel and join in on the discussion in the comment box for now and for the many coming videos as well. Thank you for listening, Do check out the other videos.